


In the end and in the beginning I (always) choose you.

by youngjusticewriter



Series: All my (way too many) time travel fics in one spot. [16]
Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Cannibalistic Thoughts, Canon-Typical Violence, I haven't watched the anime, M/M, Not A Fix-It, Pre-Slash, Time Travel, canon: Tokyo Ghoul Manga
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-03
Updated: 2018-07-02
Packaged: 2019-02-27 21:29:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,824
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13257012
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/youngjusticewriter/pseuds/youngjusticewriter
Summary: The next realization is the feeling of content. That the feeling is wrong, so very wrong. Horror cuts through him deeper than Nishio or Rize's kagune ever had.Suddenly he's no longer warm cocooned in his blankets. His fingers grab onto (clutch onto so to have something - anything - to anchor himself with) the top blanket as a wave of nausea slams into him. Like the ocean, the feel of being sick (to his stomach, to Kaneki's very soul) is unrelenting and doesn't understand mercy; you either drown or you just go with the waves that crash into you.It takes minutes before Kaneki's breath slows down. Until his heart no longer feels like that of a fearful rabbit's. Because even if that corpse in that alley had smelt mouth watering like the hamburgers his mom use to cook Kaneki wouldn't - no couldn't become a monster.





	1. Chapter 1

Warmth. 

That's what Kaneki wakes up to. There's no dramatic gasp of breath into conscious but rather a sluggish (from being content) and reluctant feeling towards waking up. His eyes blinking because the sunlight coming from his window is too bright. 

The next realization is the feeling of content. That the feeling is wrong, so very wrong. Horror cuts through him deeper than Nishio or Rize's kagune ever had. 

Suddenly he's no longer warm cocooned in his blankets. His fingers grab onto (clutch onto so to have something - anything - to anchor himself with) the top blanket as a wave of nausea slams into him. Like the ocean, the feel of being sick (to his stomach, to Kaneki's very soul) is unrelenting and doesn't understand mercy; you either drown or you just go with the waves that crash into you. 

It takes minutes before Kaneki's breath slows down. Until his heart no longer feels like that of a fearful rabbit's. Because even if that corpse in that alley had smelt mouth watering like the hamburgers his mom use to cook Kaneki wouldn't - no couldn't become a monster. 

Yoshimura had promised to show Kaneki a chance to see that ghouls was more than just ravenous beasts but all of that Kaneki had learnt was to brew a mouth watering cup of coffee. 

Kaneki mindlessly ran a hand through his hair. There's a part of him that wants to just scream or cry; he does neither. If he screams then Yoshimura would ask him what's wrong and Kaneki doesn't want to talk about it. Touka would barge in and after seeing that Kaneki was fine she'd call him a dramatic idiot. 

The reason why Kaneki doesn't cry is because (he might not stop) tears would do nothing. Crying for oneself was selfish and a waste a time. Time you could use to fix your problems his mom always use to tell Kaneki. 

A deep breath in. A deep breath out and Kaneki gets out of his bed only to blink in surprise. His old apartment. He was at his old apartment instead of the guest room Yoshimura had provided for him ever since that night. 

How had he not notice earlier?

Stress. 

He'd been too stressed out about...well everything in his life when he first woke up.  
Shaking his head Kaneki made his way (slowly, because there were book piles not just on the bookcases but on his few pieces of furniture and floor) to the kitchen to start on a cup of coffee. 

It isn't till coffee is being poured into his cup and the smell of it is in the air does Kaneki check his phone. There's several new messages from Hide. 

The first text: how could u do this 2 me? 

Kaneki can't help but shake his head with a small smile on his lips at how Hide doesn't take the time to properly spell the words his texts despite the feeling of homesickness and loneliness that the text makes him feel. It's for best, Kaneki has to remind himself. (It feels like a lie.) If it hadn't been for Touka he would have eaten the only person who'd always been there for him. 

Hide had once called Kaneki a masochist once during the rare times (Kaneki could actually count on his fingers the times) they had fought. Kaneki didn't enjoy pain. He just rather hurt himself than others around him. But as he chooses to read the next text Kaneki can't help but think maybe Hide had been right. Hide, despite his loud exclamations, was good at reading. Not books like Kaneki but rather people. Kaneki had always thought it was just him Hide was good at reading but that fight with Nishio had been eye opening on many things. 

The second text reads: rabbits die of loneliness yk

The third text from Hide reads: is this how friends since elementary treat each other? abandoning them to be alone in Asian history

The fourth text reads: r u least going to get ur nose out of ur books to have lunch at Anteiku with me

The fifth text from Kaneki's childhood friend read: u ken run but u can't me from me ur best friend or have u forget ur best friend existed? T_T 

The sixth text read: there's been ghoul attack at Takada building please be safe

A ghoul attack at Takada? Abandoning Hide at Asian History? Kaneki had dropped out from college. Hide knew that. So why was he... A ghoul attack at Takada building, Kaneki remembered the sixth text. 

Hide not joking about Kaneki eyepatch or asking if Kaneki wanted Hide to buy him a pair of sunglasses. Why? Because unlike the bandage Kaneki wore sunglasses were genuinely cool or so thought Hide.

It's morbid curiosity (the one Kaneki often felt when the protagonist was about to discover something beneficial to the plot but was horrifying like Takatsuki's books always were) that makes Kaneki open his fridge. There's food in his fridge. Not just food but the food. The food he eaten and thrown up because it was too fishy, slimy, or it tasted like throw up. Some of the food Kaneki had sprinkled coffee grinds on only to find out that couldn't make it not taste like shit to Kaneki's new taste buds. 

The feeling of panic grows; like a vine or some weed it grows and wraps around Kaneki. Strangling the little sanity Kaneki has left from the past few weeks. 

What is going on? 

With a hand that shake Kaneki grabs onto the plastic container of left over miso soup. Miraculously, somehow Kaneki manages not to drop the container despite his trembling hand. He rips of the top and it drops somewhere on the floor with a slight noise - not a thud, but some over slight sound of noise Kaneki can't put a word to. 

He can't help but stare at the container of soup for just a moment (his front teeth biting his bottom lip in nervousness that threatens to overwhelm him) before opening his mouth and tipping the container back. 

It doesn't taste like machine oil and because of that Kaneki gulps the rest of it down without pausing for breath. He can feel some of the soup slip down both corners of his mouth down towards his throat but Kaneki doesn't care. Nor will he care if it stains the shirt he's wearing because God does it feel like forever since he's been able to it something and even though he's devouring the miso soup Kaneki can't help but think of Big Girl burgers that don't taste raw and make him puke. 

Once he's done Kaneki picks up the lid from the floor and throws that along with the empty container in the trash. It was just a dream. 

No, it was just a nightmare, Kaneki tells himself all while he can't help but remember that in dreams you can't genuinely feel pain. Can't feel gnawing hunger that builds and builds until you're imagining your best friend from childhood on a plate ready to be served like he was just another burger steak from Big Girl. 

Kaneki put on a smile. 

(It does reach his eyes; only Hide notices which makes him frown for just a second before a bright, wide smile takes it place. They both know how to read and pretend that's everything all right when everything is not all right.)


	2. Chapter 2

Sen Takatsuki's least famous - or rather, to be more accurate, popular - horror novel was her first: The Darkness of Dawn. It was about a time travel and its repercussions as well as the genre, horror, Sen Takatsuki was famous for. The novel's protagonist was Hua Chen. 

The Darkness of Dawn was not Kaneki's favorite of Sen Takatsuki's works - not because of the controversial topic that had lead to too many arguments - but because Sen Takatsuki was still learning how to write the genre she was famous for having worked so hard, having not only frightened her readers but made them questions their fellow humans who could be far worse than the monsters she created or retold in her novels. And if somehow she didn't succeed in the previous two Sen Takatsuki would most certainly her readers queazy. Those where the reasons why she was Kaneki's favorite author. Perhaps this time he would be able to meet Hide and her book signing, Kaneki's couldn't help but think despite the situation, or rather the predicament, he was in. His predicament should belong in the worn pages filled with horror and tragedy instead of Kaneki's life. 

Kaneki was not a protagonist. He would be more fitting (and happier) as supportive character than a protagonist of a novel. 

Despite the Darkness of Dawn not being Kaneki's favorite novel nor on his mental list (though easily discernible if you checked which paperback books were most worn) of top ten novels by Sen Takatsuki Kaneki's had enjoyed Chen as a protagonist. The orphan had wanted to save her family from being slaughtered and raped by the massacre that had destroyed her city. That and despite her level head it had not been enough to save the Hua family nor herself. Sometimes cleverness could be all for naught and during the time the novel was first published it was rare to see a protagonist fail. 

The novel, Kaneki decided as he finally could see the familiar sight of Anteiku, probably would have had a better reception if it had not been about the Rape of Nanking. No, it couldn't compare to Sen Takatsuki's later works but it had still been a thrilling read once you understood what was going on if you didn't mind the politics and pride on the subject of Nanking. 

The small bell above the door rang softly as Kaneki entered. Immediately a head of orange hair jerked upwards at the sound. At first there was a particular expression on Hide before it flickered and changed into that wide smile of his. The sight - of Kaneki's best friend that he'd been pulling away from and just that wide, trouble ensuring smile of his - hurt as much as it was relieving. 

Kaneki smiled at sight but it probably had too much plastic in it to be real. Thankfully, Hide said nothing of it when Kaneki sat into the seat across from his. Hide wiggled his eyebrows at him instead as Kaneki couldn't help but scan the other customers. A few of the customers were human but including his co-workers there were more ghouls than there were humans. 

Then his eyes fell on Riza who was holding The Black Goat's Egg almost to her glasses. His heart jerked in his stomach at the sight. 

"I was worried you'd been eaten up when you weren't answering my texts," Hide joked to Kaneki but there was some seriousness in his eyes. 

Kaneki tried to smile again. "I lost track of time," and that's not a lie. 

"Because of your weird books. That's why you - a nerdy, weakling - would get so easily gobbled up and then I die because-" 

"Rabbits die of loneliness," Kaneki easily finished Hide's sentence for him since he had read those texts. Yet there was an uncomfortable twist in Kaneki's stomach at the subject. He had left Hide alone not because he was dead but because he had become a ghoul. Or least his dream self had (expect Kaneki had never had a dream where he felt pain and a hunger that gnaws, that had threatened to consume his stomach). 

Had it all a dream or had it been real? Kaneki wondered as he looked over at Riza. Memories of pain and confusion that night come back to him. Of warm blood - his blood - seeping down his shoulder and onto his clothes as she had used her finger to lick at the blood on her cheeks. Giggling like a school girl as she talked on about her favorite scene of The Black Goats Egg. 

Suddenly there was a warm hand above his knuckles.

"Are you okay?" Hide asked as Kaneki kept staring at Riza despite the sick feeling the action and those memories caused on him. 

"No," Kaneki croaked out instead of lying and habitually thumbing the underside of his chin. 

"What's wrong then?" Kaneki had looked away from Riza in time to see how Hide's eyes were flickering from Kaneki's eyes and face.

"There's this book by Sen Takatsuki's," Kaneki tells Hide and instead of interrupting and asking "Isn't there always?" Hide doesn't say a word. 

"Her first actually," Kaneki elaborated."Its where the protagonist time travels back to her childhood - to the Nanking Massacre - and tries to save her family. She ends up inflicting more damage than there originally was to begin with despite her good intentions." 

"And what's that gotta to do with your problem?" 

In the corner of his eye there is the woman he had a crush on for who knows how long. Riza who is intently reading or perhaps, Kaneki can't help but think even though it was a dream (it had to be), watching for prey. Again he can't help but be stupid, be paranoid. Ghouls have great hearing, his brain can't help but to supply. Plus it's not like Hide would believe him if Kaneki told him what this whole mess was. A mess he doesn't know if he imagined or was real. 

"Just made me think," Kaneki admitted softly, hopefully hard to hear over the chatter of other customers and his co-workers. "What would I do if I could go back in the past." 

There's this silence between them. It drags on begrudgingly and all Kaneki can do is take deep breaths in and out of the coffee filled air to keep from panicking. 

Eventually, who knows the actually minutes, Hide cracks a joke to fill the silence. "I'd get Thomas Harris to sign my poster." Okay, so perhaps it wasn't a joke after-all. 

When Kaneki looks back at Riza, whose put down Sen Takatsuki's novel, she smiles a little bit at him. His stomach twists at the sight instead of having a blush as a reaction to her acknowledging him. He wants a shower. He wants hot water and to scrub at his skin in the safety of his apartment except ghouls can break humans in half. They could easily break a door down. 

He looks at the customers and tries to remember if they were (are) ghouls from his dream. He doesn't look at Touka or any other of the waiters and waitresses. He knows they're all ghouls. How easily it could have been, Kaneki thinks. Hide has a crush on Touka like he had had on Riza. In his mind he can't help but picture some date. Not one to the bookstore because neither liked them but maybe to Hide's apartment to watch that cannibal movies he loved. 

In his mind, he can see the blood dripping from the couch onto the dirty carpet. What was left of Hide just left there like humans easily discarded their food without any thought. It makes him sick even though he knows Touka wouldn't do that to Hide. 

But what about the other customers? Even though Hide had a drawn a picture of him - a human - as a ghoul that didn't mean Hide would easily accept that there were ghouls here. Ghouls like Riza instead of Yoshimura and Touka. Hide couldn't protect himself just like in his dream Kaneki couldn't have stood a chance against Riza. 

He should have died. 

Kaneki hadn't though and in his dream he wasn't able to live because of that. But what if it wasn't s dream, some part of Kaneki couldn't help but fret. He could decline the date but Riza liked Kaneki was her ideal prey. Should could easily break the door. He'd been a sleep and he wouldn't know. Except how could he sleep when this could happen? 

How could he change the past if he, like Chen, could make it worse? Kaneki didn't want to die though because that was surely was not living. When he'd been asleep, a ghoul, he was just breathing not actually living his life. Drinking coffee as everyday it became easier to see his own ribs and hunger grew him. 

Hide lifted his warm palm from Kaneki's fisted hand. He looked up to Hide getting out of his chair. "I should be heading to work." There was a pause as Hide started to walk away. His friend looked back on Kaneki, "I hope you figure out your problem. Call me if you want to talk to me more about it." Then Hide was gone with a ring of a bell. 

Kaneki simply stared at the empty chair like it could somehow answer his problems instead of reading the book he brought with him. 

When Riza bumped into him Kaneki had his answer.

**Author's Note:**

> Okay so I only read the manga collection one of Tokyo Ghoul from BAM. If I made any mistakes about what happens in Kaneki's (some of it I do know from tumblr and YouTube) future in canon please just overlook it. 
> 
> Lately the tv shows I watch can be split in three categories: has begun to suck so I stopped watching, waiting for the next season, or I watch with my family. So I've started getting into anime and manga. And honestly how bad is it that some manga and animes are better than the tv shows on tv? Tbh that first collection of Tokyo Ghoul that I bought (and devoured) was better than what I've seen of this season of Walking Dead. 
> 
> I really have enjoyed what I've read so far despite the fact a date at a book store was also my ideal/dream date and look where that got poor Kaneki. Also does Hide know? I'm not completely sure but I have the feeling he knows something is going on with Kaneki. 
> 
> Sorry for babbling. This fic takes place after Tokyo Ghoul collection 1 (of 14 apparently).


End file.
